The last 24 or so have been very difficult. Last night I had the strongest urge to cry since the funeral. I'm not really sure why I held off. Right now I'm going through the motions at work, fighting the urge to scream or cry as everyone else goes on with there work, oblivous to the pain inside me.
After dad died, I wondered if things would get easier for a while. No panic everytime my phone rang. No more emails saying "call me on my cell as soon as you get this." Being able to plan events without worrying about scrambling up to Mass at the last minute. Even though I feel awful saying it, maybe it was easier for a while. It's certainly not easier now. It's only now starting to feel real. I would deal with all of those difficulties again just for the ability to call him after the Patriots pull out a tough victory. I know I paused for a second last night after the James Sanders interception. I bet I reached for my phone before realizing the truth. I also know that not being able to make that call made that win a lot less enjoyable. For better or worse, sports (especially Boston sports) will be linked to him forever in my mind.
I think it also became real last night when I talked to mom. I could hear the pain and lonliness in her voice. I worry about her and wish I could be there for her more. I don't know how I'd help, but being so far away is hard. Although even we lived closer, I'm not sure that I could help ease her pain, and I'm not sure that she could help ease mine. The hole left in our lives is too big to ever fill. I guess we just try to continue our lives, changed forever.
